A Review of 'Mask of Vengeance' - a searing look into Chinese family secrets, with a Monty Python slant!

Once again, Andy, Leonie, Martyn and I spent a glorious evening eating shit, talking shit and watching shit! This time we chose to watch 'Mask of Vengeance' and stuck it until the end - even though we constantly wanted to turn it off and we did have to fast forward through most of it!

The film begins with a lovely United Colours of Beneton advert, with chinese people dancing with prettiful flags of various colourings. This of course has nothing to do with the movie!

We are introduced to our protagonist at the very beginning, Panten. He enters a knife contest and soon realises that his tool is far smaller than anyone elses. He also notices that his wife has entered, dressed as a man - she is a super tranny whore!

The rest of the movie is about Panten venturing across China meeting various people and being helped out by his wife, a floaty flying woman called Shoe You In, or sometimes referred to as Moor Hen. He meets many fabulous people, such as No Cunt Hygiene (which is a famous name) and a dirty little pick-pocket with a tiny brolly who steals everyone's clothes in a gay sauna and then shouts, "call me grandad" from the rafters. Our hero also meets a mysterious masked man who gives him a cheque book to curb his pyromania and prevent him from burning it. This masked man laughs far too much too! Mwahahahahahahaha!

Floaty wife Shoe You In carried on following Panten across China and begins to look more and more like Captain Janeway in a lovely chinese wrap-around dress. As the two carry on through this captivating plot they meet many more characters - many of whom have a fantastic grip on the English language. Some lines that particularly stick out are:

"I want to make transex with you"

"You are consistive"

"I want to go to the Chi Chi Bat Cave"

"You over-throat my leg"

"I respect your respect for latitude"

"It's shimple"

It was at this point that we missed a bit of the film due to a discussion about dirty poo cock fingers, but when we turned our attention back to this piece of shit, we were treated to an ugly little buddhist with a Gloucestershire accent, continuously saying, "farrrrrtherrrrr"!

Towards the end of the movie, Panten meets his long lost uncle, called Uncle G (no relation to Ali as far as we know) who wants to have some 'how's your father' with his nephew. Panten refuses on the grounds of his uncle having such a heavily grazed face. After this tete-a-tete with his oh so loving family, Panten gets lost in the lighting department of IKEA whilst looking for the Odd Eight Persons who he has decided to give the cheque book to. He is attacked by the Farting Light People who are headed by Pig Minge Sanny Pad. Shoe You In makes a floaty appearance and puts all the lights out, killing Pig Minge Sanny Pad instantly as these were the source of his powers.

Now, Panten decided that he has to look for the Cripple Party and runs in to some random characters that have nothing to do with the plot at all - Michelle ( who is unable to say her own name) and her assistant, Eartha Kitt. They have pretty matching dresses. It is at this point that Panten also decided to cut one of his arms of. It's China, it's what they do.

Right at the very end of the movie, Panten grows a big red nipple on the back of his neck, finds out his floating wife is his sister, his mother is Spanish, the mysterious masked man (who is called Julie Chow or Tulip Shark) is his father and that his bother is actually only his half brother because his dad was having it off with some random slut. His new daddy then turns his robot army on Panten and his friends, but Elder Joe appears and zaps their vital points, turning them all back into humans. Elder Joe was in the film earlier, but just talked utter wank. It also turns out that Tuip Shark has a big metal hand and he kills Panten's Spanish mother, but as she dies in her son's arms, she manages to give him her very last words of wisdom - "You are an egg."

This was a treat, but at the same time totally evil. You must watch for all of the other exciting parts in this film, including a cameo from the Forest of Ressurection from 'Verus and the Elk Wife' (we're glad to see it is still getting work) and a quick hello from Wonky Teethed Monkey Fuck - he is famed throughout China and most of the eastern world for being so fuck ugly. His teeth literally have a party in his mouth!

Versus and the Elk Wife - A Review...

Another day passes and another film is watched. This time it was about samurai ninja zombies and hyper zombies! "Hyper zombies?" I hear you all gasp in amazement! Yes - hyper zombies!

This film starts off as many other Japanses true-life documentaries with business men all happily chatting outside of the Forest of Resurrection. They are happy as larry as they discuss the latest highs and lows of the oriental stock market, and Happy Twitching Bernard in his green and red Christmas-esque shirt and tie combo can't help but twitch like a big fat fruity slut and nearly pisses his little soiled Japanese girl's knickers with joy!

Just then, all hell breaks loose and Sammy comes back to the future to kill his brother and reclaim his long lost girlfriend, Elk Loving Cynthia. Zombies are everywhere and the business men are dying like little bitches, but Cynthaia can think of nothing better to do than have a kip on the mucky forest floor in her lovely pharmacist coat and her super-sonic death belt - don't be alarmed, it's just what they wear.

Everyone runs around shooting each other - especially Monkey Boy Murgatroid who has 101 guns rammed up his little Jap cunt. With this being the forest of turning everyone into hyper kung-fu zombies, all the dead business men come back to life, along with Annie Lennox dressed in the very same wardrobe she wore in the video for 'Sweet Dreams'. Her super laser sun glasses are nothing short of amazing but she gets shot, pisses her self and ends up face down in a stream. As the camera pans left, we know that she is being savaged by an overly massaged cow - bovine buggery at its best! Eventually, Sammy and his brother fight over who is rightfully married to Cynthia, but it turns out that she only has eyes for elk, and she is pregnant with an Elkian Humany offspring - her super-sonic death belt cunningly hid the antler shaped bump earlier in the movie! As if this isn't enough excitement, Happy Twitching Bernard comes back from his untimely grave as a fidgety lizard zombie, but thankfully gets his shitty little annoyin' face blown apart!

And so, as this gripping documentary comes to a close, Sammy, Elk Wife Cynthia and Sammy's Brother (who shall remain nameless for legal reasons) all get reborn in the future with pretty clothes.

This film needed more beef, but overall was a searing view into the steamy underbelly of real-life Japanese stock market mayhem and their growing zombie-samurai infestation problem!

A review of 'Crank 2' aka 'Horny Sex Jason Statham Japanese Whore Film Spectacular Spectacular!'

Jason Statham and his disturbingly massive cock end are back in another instalment of Crank - oh how we giggled and pissed ourselves with excitement as we entered the movie theatre!

Back for another adrenaline packed ride of insanity and gun shots, Statham has had his heart stolen and now he wants it back! Don't worry valued and respected Statham fans - he has a Robotic Disco Heart 2000 to keep him going until he tracks down Old Man Pang to get his heart back! Old Man Pang was at death's door, but then heard about how Statham's heart withstood a healthy dose of Jappy/Hispo Rohypnol, and so stole it for himself so he could be revitalised and go make out with big-assed black beeatches!

The characters written into the script are nothing short of amazing! We have Tourettes Face Tommy, Psycho No-Tits Ling Pau, Booby Blonde Belinda and of course we can't forget, Dr Dog Muck.

Right from the beginning of this movie, Statham has to rely on his good friend Dr Dog Muck to help him on his way and provide in-depth medical advice concerning his new Robotic Disco Heart 2000. Dr Dog Muck has been kicked out of the respected medical world, but Statham loves him like a young boy loves his puppy - nurturing it and playing with it - a boy's best friend.

Of course, this fabulous mechanical heart is wank (this is my own personal opinion and not that of Robotic Disco Heart 2000, its parent company or affiliates) and Statham has to find new and interesting ways to charge it up - including hooking himself up to a sedan's battery and rubbing his throbbing cock up against an old wet granny who gets the aids and dies screaming 'Jason, I love you and your man-fat!'

This is basically the plot for the entire film, with the addition of all the well thought out and choreographed characters. Tourettes Face Tommy makes the odd appearance, vowing to avenge the death of his gay twin - Matilda. Statham soon sends him off to find his foe, but sadly Tourettes Face Tommy's ill-timed full-body tourettes attacks mean he is shit.

Psycho No-Tits Ling Pau is a whore. She can't speak English very well - how very well dare she? The entire world should speak English and bow down to Her Majesty! And she wears the most god awful fucking clothes - if you don't have the tits to fill it our dear, don't spend your hard earned whoring cash on it!! She loves Statham (who doesn't???) for saving her from having to shag a fat Aborigini and follows him around spouting indecipherable crap and being all thin and generally vile.

Statham also runs into his old girlfriend, Booby Blonde Belinda, in a strip joint where she is spinning around a pole on the stage - happy and carefree, reminding herself of her childhood where she made her own fun with a broom and a cucumber. Her and Psycho No-Tits Ling Pau don't want to share Statham's enormous beef, so they have a bitch fight which last over 30 minutes! This section has been carefully choreographed by the best of porn directors, and is resectful and full of meaning, all tied together with the delicate Asian music and angelic nuns' voices. Blink and you'll miss it! PLEASE NOTE: This section of the movie may have been a figment of my imagination! Statham also decides to bum his long term on/off girlfiend infront of thousands of people on a race course. Little donkey, little donkey...la, la, la.

In the end, Statham gets hideously burnt, some Hispo guy saws off his nipples and a head being kept alive in a fish tank gets to go swimming in the lovely swimming pool. Oh, and Dr Dog Muck's wife, Black Booty Wibble Wobble, finds Old Man Pang and gets Stathams big pulsating coc....um....heart back!The End!

News Based Poetry - Thursday 25th June 2009

Iranians protest, detest their

rigged election, bloodshed.

Australian flooding, raining hell.

Evacuated due to rising water levels. Dishevelled.

Pause, adjust, resume.

Africa's latest - a reformed rapist from a

Twisted macho culture - macho defeatists.

Seventy killed in Baghdad.

Bad feeling injures one hundred and thirty more - the prince and the pauper.

Blink, refocus, stare on.

Burma defies the United Nation's embargo?

A cargo - fiasco - the world suffers for a nation's end of diplomacy. Necromancy.

United Kingdom - Kingdom of Plastic.

Drastic news? The 'it' couple falls. We all scream.

Blink. Rest. Shut down.

Review of the movie 'Kamikaze Girls' aka 'Kamikaze Cabbage Sisters'

This film is beef! Just like any superior Japanese movie, it begins with lots of randomness and cabbages flying down to Earth from the heavens. These are the legendary Cabbage Sister and they're here to kick your ass!! This is never actually referred to or presented in the film, but we know that's what the cabbages are!

Strawberry Slut Face plays Sally-Anne Bonnet Head and is very good - if you define good acting as being a pouting slut that runs around in baby doll dresses eating nothing but cake. "No beef?" I hear u all ask in horror - no, no beef whatsoever, just cakes - stupid whore! The best scene for this character is where she gets dirty lesbo gang blood all over her little white slag dress and then gets pushed in a dirty puddle. She looks totally raped! Then she goes fuckin' ape shit at the lesbo gang and runs around screaming with a baseball bat! Yay for the action sequence!

Sally-Anne Bonnet Head is accompanied throughout the film by a boy-girl called Lesbo Annie - she is a hard faced lesbo whore from a gang of Lipstick Lemons and rides a really shitty bike with a surfboard stuck to the back of it - classy! She proper wants Sally-Anne's fanny but sadly never gets it and has to pretend to be in love with a japanese version of Elvis with a lovely penis quiff - but he runs off with the leader of the Lipstick Lemons. leaving Lesbo Annie heartbroken - but she does have a lovely embroidered jacket, so that's ok!

Playing a rather subdued role in this film is the legendary Japanese actress One-Eyed Brenda. She plays Sally-Anne Bonnet Head's grandma - a stupid old fucker that loves eating her favourite apple candy and putting butterflies in her pocket - mad shit or what? She's a proper freak but she does have a cool scooter from the 80s - whilst watching the film I longed for it to be called Kit - but alas it was never to be! It's strange seeing One-Eyed Brenda in such a role, but I'm sure we will see her back in her usual zombie-themed BattleStar Galactica musical rip offs very soon!

As for the general plot - gang boy fucks projectile vomiting geisha-face whore, she gives birth to little lolita douchbag Sally and she meets Lipstick Lesbo boy-girl Annie and embrioders her putrid cape. In a nutshell, it's wank but fabulous! The cabbages are a real treat, as is the girl popping out of her mum's saggy mott - but I am sure you'll see that for yourself when you run out to buy this piece of Japanese wonderfulness!!

Rod, Jane and Freddy Vs Jason. A Review!

This movie is like rearing a headless goat - fuckin' pathetic!
Pete Burns Face (aka Freddy) comes back to piss on the pleasant lives of the Elm Street kids and brings along Old Gimp Wife (aka Jason) for the ride. A ride of lesbianic proportions - especially when Rod, Jane and Freddy do their child molesting naked dance of power with their tambourines and special cut out eyes. This is a split second event - blink and you'll miss it!
Old Gimp Wife is awoken by Pete Burns Face to go and slit the tits of Wanda (the main character who has been fucking her father on and off since he rammed a knife into her mother's gunt) and the balloon breasted teeny boppers, but then doesn't let Pete Burns Face get any of the paedo-tastic fun, so he gets sweetly fucked off!
As usual, this movie is full of blood and guts - and just like Christmas its gonna make somethin big and brown come shootin' out your chimney chute. The best bit is where Rancid Sid the Jock shags Boy-Girl Smokey Lisa and then gets his big fat vagina spine slit by Old Gimp Wife. He gets split in half so good that he gets a good wiff of his dirty rotten all-American jock feet!
Another groundbreaking addition to this film is the addition of the Freddy Worm - good to see those Tremors worms still getting in on the action! This worm is a proper weed freak and is off its tits when it jumps down the throat of Rodney Dweeb Fingers. This scene is the best CGI I have witnessed in years and it looks like Rodney is swallowing a gigantic sweaty tit with no effort at all! His throat was truly raped! After this, Rodney tips all the Hypnocil down the sink - naughty little boy!Hypnocil is a purely theoretical drug and any likeness to other dream suppressing drugs is purely coincidental and has nothing to do with the people working for New Line Cinema or its affiliates.
Pete Burns Face and Old Gimp Wife eventually have a fight - hoorah - and Wanda's tits get wet and bulbous!