Jason Statham and his disturbingly massive cock end are back in another instalment of Crank - oh how we giggled and pissed ourselves with excitement as we entered the movie theatre!
Back for another adrenaline packed ride of insanity and gun shots, Statham has had his heart stolen and now he wants it back! Don't worry valued and respected Statham fans - he has a Robotic Disco Heart 2000 to keep him going until he tracks down Old Man Pang to get his heart back! Old Man Pang was at death's door, but then heard about how Statham's heart withstood a healthy dose of Jappy/Hispo Rohypnol, and so stole it for himself so he could be revitalised and go make out with big-assed black beeatches!
The characters written into the script are nothing short of amazing! We have Tourettes Face Tommy, Psycho No-Tits Ling Pau, Booby Blonde Belinda and of course we can't forget, Dr Dog Muck.
Right from the beginning of this movie, Statham has to rely on his good friend Dr Dog Muck to help him on his way and provide in-depth medical advice concerning his new Robotic Disco Heart 2000. Dr Dog Muck has been kicked out of the respected medical world, but Statham loves him like a young boy loves his puppy - nurturing it and playing with it - a boy's best friend.
Of course, this fabulous mechanical heart is wank (this is my own personal opinion and not that of Robotic Disco Heart 2000, its parent company or affiliates) and Statham has to find new and interesting ways to charge it up - including hooking himself up to a sedan's battery and rubbing his throbbing cock up against an old wet granny who gets the aids and dies screaming 'Jason, I love you and your man-fat!'
This is basically the plot for the entire film, with the addition of all the well thought out and choreographed characters. Tourettes Face Tommy makes the odd appearance, vowing to avenge the death of his gay twin - Matilda. Statham soon sends him off to find his foe, but sadly Tourettes Face Tommy's ill-timed full-body tourettes attacks mean he is shit.
Psycho No-Tits Ling Pau is a whore. She can't speak English very well - how very well dare she? The entire world should speak English and bow down to Her Majesty! And she wears the most god awful fucking clothes - if you don't have the tits to fill it our dear, don't spend your hard earned whoring cash on it!! She loves Statham (who doesn't???) for saving her from having to shag a fat Aborigini and follows him around spouting indecipherable crap and being all thin and generally vile.
Statham also runs into his old girlfriend, Booby Blonde Belinda, in a strip joint where she is spinning around a pole on the stage - happy and carefree, reminding herself of her childhood where she made her own fun with a broom and a cucumber. Her and Psycho No-Tits Ling Pau don't want to share Statham's enormous beef, so they have a bitch fight which last over 30 minutes! This section has been carefully choreographed by the best of porn directors, and is resectful and full of meaning, all tied together with the delicate Asian music and angelic nuns' voices. Blink and you'll miss it! PLEASE NOTE: This section of the movie may have been a figment of my imagination! Statham also decides to bum his long term on/off girlfiend infront of thousands of people on a race course. Little donkey, little donkey...la, la, la.
In the end, Statham gets hideously burnt, some Hispo guy saws off his nipples and a head being kept alive in a fish tank gets to go swimming in the lovely swimming pool. Oh, and Dr Dog Muck's wife, Black Booty Wibble Wobble, finds Old Man Pang and gets Stathams big pulsating coc....um....heart back!The End!
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